Over the hump and into Potter madness

As I've reflected back on 2010 I've realized it was a particularly difficult year for me in terms of identity. At the time, the original 16 days of staycay was meant to decompress from the daily grind, to try some new things (habits, hobbies, whatever you want to call them) and in general to shake up my life a bit. While that description still stands, the bigger picture points to having questioned the identity I constructed and that's stayed fairly static for the last 10 years or so. I talked about this in therapy a lot in the latter half of 2010 and quite honestly had to "grieve" for certain pieces of my identity that had shriveled up on the vine, needing to be pruned for the sake of somethings new and fresh.

The most major of those things was my place in the fat acceptance movement, which I mostly talk about in my other blog. My interest in being one of the many blogger voices in the movement has been fading for a long time and it was time to give it up. The last nail in the coffin was deciding to lose weight, actually acting upon that decision and realizing that it's seen as a betrayl to the movement by some of the louder voices, a few of my friends and, well, myself. It was ultimately a very good thing to realize that I felt that sense of betrayl, to push past it, to feel like I could no longer identify with certain folks both in the movement and not, because you know what? I've lost a little weight (ie. a very personal goal, no one else's business) and contrary to what I thought would happen I actually feel renewed energy for fat acceptance. Call it acting as a double-agent or an immersion tactic, but I had to see from the "dieter" point of view - or some would argue, the perspective of the vast majority living in American culture - before I could really gain a more-rounded perspective of the issue.

I can't help but keep remembering a little snippet I once read in Glamour magazine from Eve Ensler. The article was a collection of quick wisdom from established women, and Eve was one of the contributers. She said something like, "Go out and explore, go farther than you've ever gone before, go so far that you feel unsafe and go so far that you feel like you'll never be able to come back. You WILL come back and you'll be better for it." Those of you who know me personally know I loathe dogma so I'm far from running out and making a bumper sticker, but I do think her quote holds a lot of wisdom. When I decided to go forward with losing weight I not only had to eschew my roots in fat acceptance, I had to hold at bay a lifetime's worth of fear and struggle. In the earlier days of losing, I was scared pretty much every single moment about what would happen next. There are still some days like that but I feel like I'm over some kind of hump, getting more into the rhythm of seeing where each day goes, dealing with my fear as it comes up, making adjustments and being flexible, so on and so forth. I'm still out in exploring mode for sure but I can trust that I'll come back and be better for it.

On a much lighter note, I just thought I'd let you know I've made the decent into Harry Potter madness. One of my goals last year was to finally finish reading Order of the Phoenix, and I made it by thismuch for my new year's deadline. Back in 2007, I was deep into the series but unfortunately had to stop reading about 1/3 of the way into Phoenix. In the midst of planning my wedding that year I'd developed anxiety and insomnia. Harry's angst in the book (and Mrs. Weasely's as well) was somehow having an adverse effect on my own real angst-in-progress. If you've ever struggled with panic attacks yourself, you probably know what I'm about to say... that somewhere along the line the book was poisoned with anxiety context. Each time I tried to pick back up in the book after that, even after my wedding, I felt that familiar heightened state coming on. Upon seeing Deathly Hallows: Part 1 in the movie theater last Fall I decided it was time. Time to pick up the book, time to conquer my fear, as I really missed the written series and wanted to finish it out, but moreso because it really was the last vestige of that sleepless and panic-stricken time in my life. My sister recommended that instead of reading I should listen to the unabridged audio CDs, ones that she thankfully owned and let me borrow. I found my best solution was a mix of listening to the CDs in the car while driving and also reading the book at night before bed, picking one up where the other left off. It really is a long novel and not surprisingly, my least favorite of the series. Done!

Immediately I picked up with Half Blood Prince, easily my favorite of the written series. (I have a thing about penultimate episodes and novels in a series; they always seem to be my fave.) My sister also let me borrow audio CDs for this book and I did the same as with Phoenix... listened in the car and read in my bed, quickly picking up where the other last left off. This morning I finished the book and have spent the day feeling as though someone I knew distantly, but loved nevertheless, has died. The phoenix Fawkes had a special place in my heart from the moment he was introduced in Sorcerer's Stone, and I was so incredibly moved to read the following at the end of the book:

Somewhere out in the darkness a phoenix was singing a stricken lament of terrible beauty and Harry felt as he had felt about phoenix song before - that the music was inside him, not without. It was his own grief turned magically to song that echoed across the grounds and through the castle windows. How long they all stood there listening he did not know, nor why it seemed to ease their pain a little to listen to the sound of their mourning.

The way J.K. Rowling writes about death really resonates with me and my personal experiences with loss, and it's a perfect example of that. Overall, I think she's an amazing writer and storyteller, and I've so enjoyed the time I've spent inside this world of Harry Potter.

This means I'm now on the home stretch. My sister is sending me yet another box of audio CDs, this time for Deathly Hallows, and I picked up the book last night. I've already joked to Honey Bunny that my regular internal monologue has been replaced by that of Jim Dale's voice and the characters' verbal affects, due to the sheer amount of time I've spent listening to the books in the car (where I normally talk to myself and have quality thinking time). It will be even moreso after Deathly Hallows.

And of course there is Deathly Hallows: Part 2 coming out in July. I seriously won't know what to do with myself after all is said and done with all the books and all the films. (Talk about a grieving period.) I'm having a great time being immersed for now, though!