Yesterday, Honey Bunny and I went to Harbin Hot Springs. We've been there about five times since we got together, but it's been a good two years or so since we last went. I'd come to think of it as another high point in my Staycay and so was ready and raring to get there and get in the water. For those of you who don't know, or have never been, Harbin is technically a clothing-optional hot springs resort, but a good 95% of the bathers are naked.
It's funny how perception changes over time. The last time I went to Harbin was no different than any other time I went. I always struggle with taking my clothes off but I do it and once I get over that hump I kinda forget about it and just enjoy myself. This time I knew I didn't want to go naked. I've been having major body image issues lately, and I also knew I'd be starting 'the monthly flow' and that I needed a bit more coverage for that reason. Maybe it's because I felt so clothed in comparison, but others' nakedness just felt so glaring this time.
When I first got into the warm pool (where most everyone congregates), the first thought that crossed my mind was, I don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm far from prudish but I felt like a total puritan in that moment. For me at least, it wasn't "erotic" at all... but nevertheless the first thing my eye moved to on men's bodies was the penis and on women's bodies, the breasts. I couldn't stop thinking of what each person must look like when they're having sex (yet not in a naughty, fun way).
This is purely an indication of my own naked reality: the only time I have a good association with being naked is when I'm doing something sensual (mostly, when I'm making love with Honey Bunny but also when getting a massage at the spa, etc). Obviously I get naked to shower, to change clothes, or at doctor's appointments, and those times are mostly shame-oriented. Thus, I have two naked paradigms... I'm either being sexual or I'm being scrutinized. I think it's fair to say I was projecting both onto my fellow and sister bathers at Harbin, and from them onto me as well.
I did get over myself eventually and just enjoyed the bathing for what it's supposed to be. My eye stopped roving and it turned to focus on Honey Bunny. Being in the water with him, floating together, having our arms around each other, was really wonderful. A sweet woman stopped me at some point and asked if we were newlyweds! I actually felt that newlywed energy for the first time in a very long time.
Lately I've been wishing that HB and I could have a wedding do-over. I was so anxiety-ridden over getting married and planning the wedding, it was not a very fun part of my life. I often find myself looking at bridal magazines and thinking, If I did it again, I'd pick this dress instead... I'd do my hair this way instead... I'd involve some of my family and friends more in the decision-making... so on and so forth. I will say this for our actual wedding: it was awesome and I loved it. Same goes for our honeymoon, and getting reacquainted with sleep and coming down from all the madness of the wedding. It's just that I don't feel like I had a very clear head or any real perspective when it was all going on, and I wish that I could have.
The other, bigger, part of it is that I feel our new marriage became overshadowed by a couple of deaths in our family. I don't mean 'overshadowed' in the sense that I'm some ridiculous bridezilla who needed her time in the sun and didn't get it. I mean that the deaths took precedence in our minds and hearts because they had to... because we lost a couple souls who we loved and there's nothing that can take that pain away (not even a new, exciting marriage)... and honestly, because I feel like the sense of our starting a "new" life together just never happened as a result. There was no room anymore. And, in a lot of ways, I feel like I (we?) have been regrouping from those losses for so long and now that I'm coming out of that fog, I see that we maybe didn't get the chance to really celebrate our new life together together. Of course we were feted in a lot of ways by a lot of people (including our wedding, natch)... but did we really get a chance to feel it for ourselves in the wake of madness? Did we get to come up with our version of what it's like to be married?
One answer is sort of -- for a few months at least, in the time leading up to the first death (the one more impactful to me, personally), which was in late November of the same year as our late August wedding. Those few months were really blissful and wonderful until our very close loved one got sick and passed away, a loved one who was very much a part of our lives together as a family.
By the time our first anniversary happened, I was on better footing. I'd just grieved really hard for nine months and was looking forward to celebrating our marriage in a way I felt I was unable to do since my furry soul mate passed away. Unfortunately the day before our anniversary, Honey Bunny's father passed away. It was far from unexpected since he had been sick, but no less shocking.
As we near our second anniversary this August, I have to wonder what it will be like. We've done panic-ridden, we've done grief-stricken... what does this year hold for us?
In the end, I think what most people would say, what I know Honey Bunny would say, is that marital bliss is a state of mind, not a time frame. I know that intellectually of course, but I don't know it so much emotionally. All I know is that Honey Bunny and I tapped into something we haven't felt for awhile when we were at Harbin... blissfully romantic with one another.
As a sidenote, we got massages while we were at the resort and it was a loopy lil' hoot, if there ever was one. I've had many, many massages over the years and the process is basically the same... you talk briefly with the massage therapist about what's ailing you and s/he asks if there are any parts of your body that are off limits, s/he leaves the room while you disrobe and get yourself settled on the table, there's a sheet (and possibly even a blanket) that covers you, so on and so forth. Nope, not at Harbin. Everyone is naked so why does the massage therapist need to leave the room while you get up on the table? Everyone is naked so why do you need a sheet to cover you? My guy actually asked if he needed to leave for a moment while I disrobed because I just stood there and looked at him after we talked, as he did the same to me. As he was about to walk out the door, he paused and asked, OH - did I want a sheet to cover the parts of me he wasn't working on? Yes, please. For me it's less about nudity and more about feeling safe and cozy while someone is touching my body. (For the same reason, I do often opt for the blanket when asked, even if it's a therapist I know and am used to.) And of course, I could have predicted this from crazy hippies - of course they do torso massage at Harbin. I hate having my organs poked at no matter who it is and what good it'll do me. There was one point where I swear the guy actually had a good grip around my entire stomach, lifted it up a little and then massaged it in his hand. Ack. But, aside from the torso portion, it was literally the best massage I've ever had and really seemed to last. Massage, check!
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