Days 11 & 12: Nada

I can't say I've exactly been inspired to go out and do things the past couple days. Last week I was on fire and felt like I had to make my time really worth it. This week I don't want to feel pressured. I also realized today that I've been a little bit down about a couple things and that is contributing to my mood. I've had weird and slightly haunting dreams the last few nights as well (including ones about my regular hairdresser Nancy being furious with me for "cheating" on her, WTF?), and the content has lingered in my mind after I've gotten up and started my day. And lastly... could it be that I miss work? Or, that work adds a purpose to my life that can't be fulfilled by much else?

I feel really down right now. Honey Bunny is out on a ride on his new motorcycle, purchased - and also ridden - yesterday. (Wasn't this supposed to be Our Mutual Staycation? Where we do things together?) The sun is shining in SF for the first time since I've been off work and I have no urge to go out and enjoy it, despite having griped about it to anyone who will listen for the last few days.

I think a lot of this has to do with the fight I had with my best friend on Sunday. Fights never feel good in the moment, but I've always felt that as long as there is resolution in the end that the awfulness was worth it. Strangely, I felt very resolved after this conversation... and then it all started going downhill. I feel angry. It's not her fault that I felt side-swiped by the conversation because how could you prepare for it? That's how fights happen generally; they come out of the blue and then you have to deal with them as best you can.

I've always hated feeling backed into a corner. I don't improvise well, and I tend to give my best solutions to a problem after a lot of introspection and thought. So, I have to wonder if what I'm feeling now is the product of that introspection and thought about the current state of our friendship, or if it's just plain anger about having to deal with this relationship problem.

This is all mixed in with where my head is at with Friendships, capital F, right now. As I embark upon a few different endeavors to find new and local friends, I've been thinking. What do I want from a friend? What do I need from a friend? My bestie even asked those questions during our conversation.

What I want is a friend to go out and do things with, and to have great, long conversations with, and to listen patiently while I tell the stories of my life, and to offer some insight and guidance when I'm struggling with something, and I, of course, want to give that all back in spades. I have the entirety of this wish list with just one local person (the Mirthmaker) right now, and all but the "being able to go out and do things with" in the rest. I live in Northern California, while the majority of my good friends and my sister live in Central and Southern California. I love my friends and sister, and not being able to hang out with them when I want (without one of us traveling across the state) is frustrating. They are all genuinely wonderful people and I guess there's nothing else to say but that I wish we lived closer together...

To answer the question of what I've done for the last couple days: I've sat around watching TV and playing on the internet. I've hung out with my kitties. I've waited for my husband to come home from motorcycling or other business he's on. I feel directionless and meaningless. I want everything to change, but for nothing to change. I'm frustrated and lonely. I want to eat myself into oblivion but I'm not hungry for anything so I'll eat anything. Long story short: this is exactly what I wanted to avoid on my Staycay.

What a contrast from Monday's Harbin trip. Right now I need to wrap this up and get to the Jennifer Weiner signing/reading, where I'll be meeting members of my new book club for the first time. Time to put on my game face and try to enjoy this thing I was looking so forward to.

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What a change getting out of the house can make. I feel infinitely better having gotten out and interacted with the world a bit.


Having a good laugh at the reading was great - Ms. Weiner is like a bawdy stand-up comedian - and looking out at the bay during dusk from Book Passage, which abuts the water in the Ferry Building Marketplace, didn't hurt my mood one bit, either.


Unfortunately, I did not meet up with any of my book club ladies. None of the three of us have met eachother, and our profile pictures on Meetup are pretty small, so it was like searching for a needle in a haystack. Oh well... I will meet them in August. No one goes home a loser, though! I got my hard copy of Jen's latest book, signed by her personally while I sat next to her and chatted with her momentarily, and the book is our club read for September.

I did have a nice time talking to the ladies who were sitting on either side of me at the reading. I thought I was attached to my phone, sheesh. Both were refreshing their Twitter feeds on their phones constantly, as Jennifer frequently tweets where she's at, if she's late, so on and so forth.

Tomorrow will bring somethings more. I'm not going to go to the negative zone, I promise this to myself!